She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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