SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
