You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
