I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
