I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
