You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
