I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Randomize