ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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