I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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