Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
