I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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