it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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