Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
it was like having sex with a tree stump
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
