So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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