I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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