Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
