I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
