If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
