Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
