Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
