I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
