I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize