Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
