You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
