He is such a slut. More and more my type.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
