I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
