we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So vagazzling was a success
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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