Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
