ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
