Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize