I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
