Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
