I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
