i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
