Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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