I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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