I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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