Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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