Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
