I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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