awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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