You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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