So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
