Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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