You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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