I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
