I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
