Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This house was built for laser tag.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
