Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
