I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
