it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
