Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
