i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I FOUND THE LEGS
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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